Noticing the Control Reflex

Raise your hand if you’ve ever had a boss—or known someone—who was a micromanager (“If I don’t oversee everything, it’ll fall apart”), a know-it-all (needing to feel superior), an authoritarian (“It’s my way or the highway”), or a dictator/blame-shifter (power-hungry, never takes responsibility)?

Many of us have—and furthermore, if we’re honest, most of us have a little bit of each of these patterns within us, too.

Who hasn’t ever wanted to say, “Just do it because I said so,” or thought, “I guess I have to handle it—no one else will”? Or had those knee-jerk moments where we blame someone else for a missed deadline that had nothing to do with us (technically, it was their fault, right)? Or positioned ourselves as the expert, stacking credentials and knowledge like armor so we wouldn’t be questioned?

Sometimes, even now, I feel the urge to lead from one of these places. When frustration or overwhelm kicks in, I want to control everything and avoid being challenged. And as self-aware as I try to be, if I’m really honest—I still feel that pull more often than I’d like to admit. (And no, it’s rarely during those truly urgent moments that require me to “lay down the law.”)

Ego-driven leadership isn’t about being a “bad boss,” “bad parent,” or “bad partner.” It’s often a survival strategy—a reaction to stress, fear, anxiety, or old insecurities.

The real strength though? It’s in taking the pause.

In being curious.

In listening—not just to others, but also to yourself.

A useful avenue of self-inquiry is to ask: What’s happening inside you when you feel the urge to control everything? To shift blame? To prove your worth with every credential and airtight point of logic you can think of?

These moments don’t just show up at work, either. They show up in parenting. In partnerships. In friendships. I can’t tell you how many times my partner and I have laughed, saying, “If you’d just do what I say, we’d have the perfect relationship!” We can joke about it now—but only because we both recognize the pull to believe My way is best.

And here’s the thing: Some of us grew up or worked in environments where these ways of being were expected—and even celebrated. There wasn’t space for curiosity or self-awareness. And those old patterns of wanting to control didn’t simply disappear with a new generation.

Wanting to control is deeply human. But growth happens when we recognize that the only thing we can truly control is ourselves—and our responses.

This is the work: Not ridding ourselves of every imperfect impulse.

But slowing down.

Noticing.

And choosing to respond with intention.

At Ever Human Therapy, we support new and seasoned leaders alike in finding their way back to grounded leadership—leadership that honors both accountability and humanity.We’re here to help you explore your own patterns with curiosity, compassion, and the confidence that growth is always possible—even in the messiest, most human moments.

#LeadershipDevelopment #SelfAwareness #MindfulLeadership #SelfCompassion #PersonalGrowth #EverHumanTherapy

Post Written by Stephanie Pelland