When Power Goes Underground: Women, Leadership & the Unspoken Dynamics of Relational Workplaces

In the 15+ years I’ve been in the therapy world, there’s a subtle, persistent tension that exists.

I work in a space where care is currency, collaboration is celebrated and encouraged, and power often goes unnamed. And yet I notice:

• Praise sometimes feels like a battleground

• Recognition carries more weight than it should

• Feedback gets quietly deflected

• And leadership, when expressed too clearly, often triggers subtle resistance

For a long time, I think it’s me. I internalize it. Maybe I’m too sensitive. Maybe I want too much recognition. Maybe I’m just not cut out for leadership.

I leave meetings where an initiative I’ve built from the ground up gets reintroduced tweaked and rebranded without a single mention of where it came from. Everyone applauds the new version. I nod along, and I feel on fire, like my ego is about to burst into flames. I’m not looking for applause. I want to feel seen, which I’ve since learned is a deep core need of mine. So the war between ego and need rages quietly inside me, and that’s probably a whole other post.

And since stepping into a more forward-facing leadership role, I’ve started digging into the research on women in leadership—especially in feminized professions like therapy and education and I’m seeing the patterns with new clarity:

When power isn’t named clearly, it doesn’t disappear—it just goes underground.

The Research

1. Unspoken Competition in Murky Roles Deborah Kolb and Joyce Fletcher describe how women, socialized to avoid direct competition, express power relationally instead. When roles are unclear, people start claiming invisible turf: the emotional expert, the cultural steward, the one who "really gets the team."

2. Praise and Visibility as Emotional Currency Rosabeth Moss Kanter and Nancy Kline show how in flat organizations, visibility becomes the stand-in for power. Praise starts to feel like validation or erasure. Recognition becomes territory.

And today’s research only reinforces that:

Amy Edmondson’s work on psychological safety shows how in low-hierarchy teams, status anxiety doesn’t go away it gets masked by politeness or team-first language.

Erika Hall shows that women are still disproportionately judged by communal traits (warmth, helpfulness, likability), so visible affirmation becomes more tied to legitimacy.

Herminia Ibarra reveals how in post-heroic leadership models, women struggle with stepping into formal leadership because they’ve been rewarded for relational excellence, not authority.

Tina Opie and Beth Livingston explore how recognition, not rank, becomes the access point for power in equity-driven workplaces.

When praise becomes power, a missed compliment can feel like a demotion.

3. Over-Identification with Success Creates Defensiveness Brené Brown and Herminia Ibarra speak to the emotional fusion of self-worth with performance. When identity is tied to contribution, feedback feels personal. Structure feels like rejection. Leadership feels like threat.

And I see every one of these patterns play out in my past roles, and in myself.

Naming My Own Conflict with Titles

Here’s where I’ll be honest: I hate traditional titles. "Clinical Director." "Managing Director." They feel patriarchal, corporate, disconnected from the relational core of what we do.

But I’m also a massive fan of boundaries. I believe deeply in clear roles, well-held containers, and defined responsibility. Because when no one knows who holds what, everyone starts competing in unspoken ways.

So instead of rejecting structure altogether, I’m learning to reclaim titles that reflect our values, not just the industry standard. Titles that align with authenticity, clarity, and the kind of culture we want to build.

For Women in Leadership

If you lead in a female-dominant workplace or one that centers emotional labor this is the edge we’re walking:

• To name power without clinging to it

• To hold roles without apologizing for them

• To honor emotional labor and set expectations

I don’t want to replicate a hierarchical model that dismisses care. But I also don’t want to lead a team where care becomes currency and competition hides under the surface.

The truth is, I experience every one of these dynamics. I feel the subtle defensiveness in me, the unspoken friction I might create, and where feedback feels slippery because I am not owning it.

Naming it doesn’t mean blaming myself. It means reclaiming.

Power isn’t something to hide from. It’s something to hold well.

Post Written by Stephanie Pelland